The Reason
by spikelvr75
Summary: A conversation in the Bronze between Spike and Xander leads to Spike finding out the real reason why Xander never really liked him or Angel. Oneshot. No actual pairings.


Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy The Vampire Slayer or Angel and I am not making any profit off of this.

Author's Notes: This is only the second fan fiction I have ever written or posted ever and my very first one for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Sorry if it sucks. Let me know if I made any mistakes. Nice comments and constructive criticism are very much appreciated, but no flames, thanks.

The Reason

Spike loved Buffy. Got a soul for her and everything. But sometimes even he reached the point where he just couldn't stand to hear another minute of her never-ending "motivational speeches."

_Amazing how Buffy can turn something as exciting and adventurous as fighting The First Evil into something so boring you're contemplating staking yourself, _Spike thought amusingly as he walked out of the Summers' house and towards The Bronze The Bronze was pretty packed that night. Some new local band was playing there. It was made up of high school guys, but they were actually pretty good. Better than Dingoes Ate My Baby even, and they drew in quite a crowd. As Spike made his way through the crowd filled with mostly teenagers, he tried to look for an empty table, but instead found Xander sitting at one of the tables alone. He didn't really think he'd be welcomed there, but there were no more empty tables and besides, Spike kind of wanted a chance to talk to Xander, weird as that may sound.

"Anyone sitting here?" Spike asked as he approached the table.

"Just me." Xander replied as he looked up at the bleached blonde, British vamp.

"Well, do you mind if I sit here then?" Spike asked as he slid into the seat, not waiting for a response.

"Well, I was kinda hoping to save it for someone human, preferably a pretty girl, but if you insist." Xander replied Spike just kind of stared at him for a minute before continuing with the topic he came up to Xander to talk about.

"You don't like me very much, do you?" Spike asked him, already knowing the answer.

"Well, thank you for stating the obvious, Mr. Observant Guy." Xander replied with a snippy attitude. "No, I don't. Not really."

"Why?" he asked seriously, his blue eyes staring deep into Xander looking for an answer. "I mean, I've got a soul now."

"Still annoying though, aren't you?" Xander answered simply with a little smile before taking a drink from the beer bottle in front of him.

Spike thought about that for a moment and nodded his head in agreement. "Well, that may be true, but I have noticed something. You're not too fond of Angel either."

"Yeah. Well, that's because he's annoying too. I mean, come on, Spike. I thought that was one of the few things we actually agreed on." Xander answered amused. He was unsure of where this conversation was headed, and it was starting to make him a little nervous.

"You know, since I got my soul back I've been thinking about things. I assumed that whenever I showed up with a soul, the whole lot of you Scoobies would love me just like you all love the Magnificent Poof, but you don't. When I got to thinking about why not, that's when I realized that you didn't like Angel either. So then I started thinking about the reason why."

"And what amazing theories have you managed to come up with?" Xander asked him, sounding mainly irritated with just a little worry coming through in his voice.

"Buffy." Spike replied with a smug look on his face, satisfied with his assumption that his answer was correct.

"What?" Xander asked him confused.

"Buffy. That's the real reason why you hate us, inn'it?" Spike asked him, cocky. Xander gave him a lost look as though he didn't understand what Spike could possibly be talking about. "Don't lie. I know you used to have feelings for her. My guess is that those feelings never really went away. And now you hate me and Angel for it. Probably part of the reason you didn't marry the demon-girl too, am I right? Just couldn't go through with it, could you? Just couldn't give up your pathetic little high school crush on the slayer for good."

"Hey, why don't you just shut up? You don't know anything about it." Xander shot back angrily in an attempt to defend himself, which only made him sound more pathetic. "You know, you have some right calling my old crush on Buffy pathetic. At least I didn't go around tying her up, threatening her, stalking her, and trying to rape her. At least I can understand when "no" means no and can accept it. If anyone here is pathetic, it's you Spike. Not me. And don't ever talk about my relationship with Anya like that as though you know anything about it. Just because you got involved in something you didn't belong in and "comforted" her that one night in The Magic Shop does not mean you have the right to pass judgment on our relationship. You wonder why people hate you, Peroxide Boy? Just listen to yourself speak!"

"So you're denying it? Well, tell me then. If it's not Buffy, then what the bloody hell is it? Seems like it's Buffy to me. You're still in love with her and it just bleedin' bugs the hell out of you that no matter how disgusting you consider me and Angel to be, we still got to be with the one girl you could never get with no matter how hard you tried." Spike challenged Xander, not backing down on his theory. Xander seemed angry at first but then just sighed and calmed down.

"You're wrong. It's not Buffy. Go home, Spike." Xander said, content to just leave this conversation be and never pick it up again, but Spike was persistent.

"Well then tell me what the reason really is and I'll leave you alone." Spike answered.

"No. You wouldn't understand anyway. Go home." Xander said, refusing to answer Spike's question. He just wished Spike would give up and go back home before the real reason was brought up, because Xander didn't even want to think about it right now.

"Why wouldn't I understand? And no, I'm not going home. Buffy's giving speeches." Spike said and visibly grimaced. Xander smiled and gave a small laugh at that before Spike continued. "And besides, I still haven't gotten my answer."

"Look, it has to do with something you know nothing about and a person you never even met. You shouldn't even bother asking because you won't understand." Xander said trying hard to close the subject for good, but Spike wasn't having it.

"So, you hate me because of someone I don't know and because of something that doesn't involve me? Doesn't make much sense." Spike told him. Xander started getting frustrated with him and didn't want to tell him the reason, but he knew if he didn't start telling him something then he'd never go away.

"Look, I just don't see why you and Angel get so many chances. You're evil. Or at least you were, and whenever Angel turned into Angelus so was he. But no one ever wanted to stake you. Everyone wanted to give you so many chances to be good. I just don't see why you two get so many chances when other vampires don't. I mean, what makes you two so damn special?" Xander asked him sounding angry.

"Ah," Spike said pondering, "so, what you're saying is that you think all vampires should get as many chances as us? You aren't making any sense at all tonight, are you?"

"That's not what I mean at all, Spike." Xander replied, irritated at the blonde vampire because he knew that Spike knew better than to assume that's what he meant. "I don't like vampires. I just don't see why everyone tried so hard to try to reform you and Angel, but never tried at all to reform any other vampires. With other vampires, it's stake first and ask questions later. But with you two, everyone tries so hard to make you good and give you chances you don't deserve. Why didn't anyone try to change any other vampires for the better instead of staking them?" Xander said. _Why didn't anyone try to change Jesse?_

It always bothered Xander that Jesse's death never seemed to bother anyone else other than him. Even Willow, who was one of Jesse's closest friends, seemed to have forgotten about him within a matter of days. Buffy seemed to have replaced Jesse in their little trio of best friends and soon everyone just forgot about him. But Xander never forgot. Whenever everyone accepted Angel and Spike, remembering what happened to his friend became even more painful for him. It made him have a sort of vengeful hatred for them that he never knew he was capable of feeling towards someone else. He hated them because they were allowed chances that Jesse was not. He hated them because everyone believed that they could be changed and that they could be good. He hated them because they were saved and Jesse wasn't and Xander never thought that that was right.

No one believed Jesse could change. No one was willing to help save him. The only person who tried to save Jesse was Xander. No one else was willing to help. Everyone told him it wasn't possible to save Jesse anymore. Giles' exact words, that Xander had never forgotten, were, "You listen to me, Jesse is dead. You have to remember that when you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that killed him." Giles said that vampires were nothing more than a human form possessed, infected by the demon's soul. _If this is true, then why were Spike and Angel able to be saved? If everyone was willing to try to change them then why was I the only goddamn person willing to try to change Jesse?! Didn't he deserve the same treatment? Why doesn't anyone I care about deserve the same treatment? Whenever it's someone Buffy cares about then everyone tries to help. But when it's someone I love, like Jesse or Anya, the only person willing to fight for them is me!_

"I think that the only reason people cared about saving the two of you was because Buffy was dating you and I don't think that's fair. Okay? There's your reason." Xander said to try to end the conversation because now he knew that if they stayed on this topic much longer he would start to cry, which was something he would not let Spike have the satisfaction of witnessing.

"Well, then. So it was us being with the slayer after all?" Spike asked, wishing he could be smug about his guess being correct, but somehow knowing that Xander was lying to him.

"Yeah, Spike. I guess it is. Looks like you were right. Are you happy now? Will you leave?" Xander asked him, sounding defeated and like all he wanted to do was be left alone to brood like Angel.

"Tell me the rest of the bloody story and then I'll leave, I promise, but I know there's more to it than just that." Spike told Xander, curious as to what it was Xander was hiding. Spike's voice had gone softer at this point. He didn't sound as sarcastic and angry as he usually did toward Xander. He could sense that whatever it was Xander was hiding was about to make him cry. Now that Spike had his soul back, the sensitive soul of a poet, he could not bring himself to treat even Xander cruelly when he could see how upset he already was.

"Alright, fine." Xander sighed, giving up. "A long time ago, whenever Buffy first moved here and I first learned the truth about the weird things that go on around here, something happened to a friend of mine. Willow and Jesse, another one of my best friends, were taken by Darla and some other lackey of the Master. Buffy and I went to find them and Buffy was able to save us and give us a chance to run by distracting and fighting Darla until this monster-vampire Luke came out of nowhere and attacked her. While he and Buffy were fighting, Darla and the other vampire lackeys attacked the three of us before we even made it out of the cemetery. Buffy was able to help me and Willow get out, but they got Jesse. They didn't outright kill him though. They used him as bait. Buffy and I went to try to save him but it was too late, and…they turned him." Xander's voice started getting shaky with emotion at this point and he stopped for a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. Spike, however, went wide-eyed at this new information and seemed incredibly interested in it all. "No one seemed to believe there was any of the old him left at all anymore. That he was all demon now and there was no way to change him. I tried to find some good in him. I didn't want my best friend to end up a monster or a pile of dust. I knew that the old Jesse had to be in him somewhere and I tried to bring it out, but it didn't work. With all the chaos of the battle in the Bronze, everyone was fighting vampires or saving people and the only one worried about Jesse was me. I was trying to talk to him, trying to save him, but then…" Xander looked away for a moment before continuing, "then some lady knocked into him with all of the confusion and pushed him onto my stake." Xander swallowed and tried to blink away the tears that were forming in his eyes. "My best friend died, impaled on _my_ stake."

"The kid I was friends with for years turned to dust right in front of me." Xander continued furious, having composed himself once more. "And after everyone told me that he wasn't Jesse anymore, that he was just some demon possessing Jesse's body and that Jesse couldn't be saved. After no one even _tried_ to help him, after all that, both you and Angel were able to get your souls back. Every time you two acted evil, everyone was willing to help you and forgave you and tried to change you. Even though you two had done _way_ more evil in your time than Jesse could have ever dreamed of, you two_still_ got all the chances that Jesse never did. So if you want to know why I never really liked you guys, then there's your answer. That's the real reason. Are you satisfied now?"

Spike never knew the full story behind that and had no idea that Xander resented him and Angel for that reason. Of all the reasons Spike had thought about, nothing like this ever even crossed his mind. He didn't even know what to say to this. If he had still been soulless, he may have had some nasty comment to make, but now he could only think of one thing to say.

"I'm sorry." Spike told him seriously. "About your friend, I'm sorry."

Xander was almost shocked that Spike had actually tried to console him instead of making some nasty comment. "Yeah," he said. "Me too."

There was a moment of silence between the two. Spike feeling guilty at making Xander bring up those old memories and awkward for not knowing what to say, decided not to say anything at all. Xander, on the other hand, was quiet because he seemed to be remembering something about Jesse and his mind was far away from their table in the overcrowded Bronze. Just then, a geeky teenage boy with awkward, crazy dance moves brought them both back to reality by bumping into Xander and nearly knocking him off his chair. The boy had been attempting to dance and act cool to try to impress some pretty, popular high-school girl who obviously wasn't even going to give him a chance. The kid turned towards Xander and said, "Uh, I'm sorry man. My bad." Xander just smiled sadly at him and watched him walk away, chasing after the girl, and couldn't help but be reminded of Jesse and the way he was always after Cordelia. Spike noticed the effect that interaction had on Xander and watched him intently.

"Come on, Spike. It's getting too crowded in here. Let's go home and pray to God that Buffy's run out of breath by now." Xander said, sliding out of his seat with Spike following after him.

"And if she hasn't, I know of a good pub that caters to demons not too far from here that won't be anywhere near as busy. We could always go there. Maybe get ourselves in a good brawl before the night's done."

"Never mind, Spike." Xander said, shaking his head while they walked out of the Bronze. "Apparently Giles was right all along. Vampires obviously can never be changed after all."


End file.
